“If you are hungry go fix yourself something to eat.”
I am a few months shy of my fortieth birthday. Just today I realized that the roots of my hair are no longer on the dark blond side. No more warm tones, but cool silver is being reflected off the top of my head in the harsh florescent light of the office bathroom. I have been using that same bathroom for than ten years now. At 29, ten years seemed like such a long time. Now I am the old timer. How did that happen? At least it comes with a lot of vacation time.
There is no time left to accomplish big goals before I turn 40. I instead of lamenting what I have not finished I am going to rebase some goals and push deadlines to 45. Other dreams I am going to let float away, like a forgotten flip flop being slowly dragged into the ocean. I did not take care of those dreams well enough. They are lost now. The reality of forty looming is there are fewer opportunities and more responsibilities waiting in the future.
Still I am so blessed. My greatest mission is still under way. Mothering is such a miracle for me. Unlike those other dreams, I listened to the still small voice that told me to move. I did not let time slip by and now my reward is my precious gift from God. All that in enthusiasm, passion and beauty wrapped up in one little girl; maybe God knows that is all the opportunity I need right now.
Forty is going to be fabulous.
There are times when Dori is lying next to me fast asleep that I wonder what I ever did to deserve this child. Of course there are times when she is awake and I think the exact same thing with a whole different tone. It is amazing and awesome to be this little girl’s mom. She has so much potential. I often get caught up in the things I am not doing to help her succeed and forgetting how great she really is.
We are heading into the Holiday season. Halloween went by with lots of fun and excitement. Costumes, candy and make up are all fun blessings at our house. I have to say though my favorite moment was at the end of the day when Dori sipped a “nice cup of tea” she requested to help her get to sleep. It makes this former member of the Victorian Tea Society happy to have Dori follow in her footsteps.
We are going into the season with lots of activities on our plate. Twice a week for two hours Dori has theater practice. That is on top of weekly dance lessons. I am thinking of adding a couple of more dance lessons just for fun. We have also successfully been consistent in our attendance of the weekly church club for Dori and Bible study for me. The first time in about six years. Yeah!!! Now if I could just get to church each Sunday. That will come though.
I am also focusing more on photography. Looking to capture some of those fun moments better. Good thing I have a mostly willing mode ready to pose for me. Dori also like to get behind the camera to take pictures. She is showing some skill and we might just become mother daughter photographers. Who knows?
I have no idea what it means to wait nine months anticipating the birth of your child. I imagine it must be just as exciting and terrifying as filling out paperwork, having your life examined and waiting for someone across the world to determine your fate. I remember as if it were yesterday a quiet Christmas morning reading Mary’s words as she learned she would be a mother. I felt a certain kinship with her as I anticipated meeting my daughter for the first that early morning in Addis.
I do not know if it is the same with biological moms but I have cherished being a mom. It has become my passion and my purpose. I came so close to never taking the steps to adopt. It was truly a leap of faith. My life would have certainly been easier and I would not have been unhappy, but I would have passed by the most precious of gifts. I am so thankful that I get to be Dori’s mom; that God put Dori and me together to be family.
I am also so thankful for my mom. The kid count in our family varies when you add in foster kids and close friends. The low number is eight. Being a mom I have learned it is sometimes a thankless and difficult job. I am impressed that my mom has survived let alone done all she has done. She is Dori’s second mom when I am away at work and we are blessed beyond measure that she is ours.
As I praise God for the blessings he has poured on my life, my prayers are also with those who approach this holiday with mourning. My Dori loves me but she also knows there is another mom that she misses and wants to know. My father lost his mom at a young age and he mourns fifty years later. Dori bears her name. There are two precious little ones I love who will grow up without their mom. Mother’s day comes within weeks of the anniversary of her death. A dear friend’s mother is currently so engulfed in darkness that she has spent the past several years trying to drag her daughter and two young granddaughters down with her. Mother’s Day is not always a day of celebration, but the grace of God provides the light in the dark.
Mother’s Day like most of our time on this earth is a mix of blessing and heartache. Those of us celebrating our blessings are allowed to rejoice in God’s goodness. We can also mourn with those who mourn, support them in their loss and pray for God’s peace on all of the hard days. We can show compassion. We can show love. After all we are moms- that’s our job.
Dori did finally lose that tooth and several more. She did not lose it at school after holding on all weekend she lost on a day home sick adding insult to illness so to speak. Now we are actually seeing those grown up teeth push through those top gums.
First grade has certainly been a growing experience. Friend drama and trying to fit in, it is all struggle, but we are getting through and we are having fun.