Does anyone besides me have trouble with coming up with post titles. That last title was so cheesy I could not even look at it after I posted it and am somewhat embarrassed it was up for longer than a week. I wrote those two post because they are were I am living today, between the ghosts of the past and the harsh reality of now. It takes up a lot of my energy and if I want to write honestly here that part of my life needs to be included. So now this is the transition, the bridge between the sob story and the next happy picture of Dori. I am sure that I will make the transition so smoothly that it will not even be noticed. I am just good like that.
I had forgotten how exhausting it is living with a emotionally challenged (is that pc enough?) person before I moved back into my parents home about a year ago. The plan was for me to keep an eye on things here while my parents traveled with my dad’s work. I would help make ends meet and still save a little bit of money. My parents could feel secure that there were no wild parties going on. It was to be a win-win. Unfortunately unemployment reared its ugly head and plans changed. Honestly though, it may have been for the better. Yes, there is added financial stress but Dori has gotten to spent some great time with her papa. Just this week they are building a volcano. They did paper mache earlier in the week and bought the red paint today to paint – priceless. I am also not certain I could be as patient or gracious as I am with my youngest sibling now if I were the primary target of her unhappiness the majority of the time. Just in case you were wondering the parents are at ground zero. After more than thirty years of kids and nearly that with challenging kids they have been worn down a lot. I am actually kind of hoping my dad can just retire. We may need to downsize a a bit but I would rather spend more time with him and my mom than have anything money can buy. Since I really have no say in if or when anyone will get a job right I just pray for God’s will and wait on the Lord. Not because I want to, but because I really have no other choice.
Learning to be content in any circumstances sounds so peaceful and lovely. I wish I could say I was there but I am not. I mean, I think I could be fairly content if I had to give up the pool in the back yard or the house or whatever. My struggle is in the not knowing. I will be happy doing what ever you want me to do Lord just tell me know exactly what you want me to do right now. Give me a clear road to follow and I will put on my happy face. The tough lesson today is the waiting and the wondering. Will my dad get a job? Will my sister turn her life around? Will we still be living here in three months? Will I ever have another little girl? Since I am to be content in all circumstances I presume God means even now as I wait (I am fairly certain there are a few thing about waiting in the Bible). So here I sit in 2011 certain only that I have the most beautiful talented little girl in the world and that God loves me, even in my discontent.